Liar, Liar

In which I rant.

"Hello!" said the dental assistant this morning when Tink and I walked in. "Are you ready to come back and play with me?"

Tink looked at me, one eyebrow raised. It's been a year since her last visit to the dentist and I'd prepped her on what might happen. Playing wasn't part of it.

"C'mon," the dental assistant called as she walked down the hall. "This is going to be so much fun."

"No, it's not," I thought. "It's a trip to the dentist. It's going to be dull at best, painful and terrifying at worst."

Tink grabbed my hand when we got into the room. "What is all that stuff?" she whispered.

"That's the equipment the dentist will use to check your teeth," I said, pulling up a chair so I could sit right next to her.

"This is weird," Tink said to the dental assistant.

"You're doing great, honey," the dental assistant said. "See? Being at the dentist is fun."

I am proud to report that neither Tink nor I strangled anyone at the dentist's this morning. Now, I know the dental assistant was trying to allay Tink's fears. I don't blame her; I know there are kids for whom the super positive attitude helps.

But Tink is not one of them. And I don't believe in lying to kids. Particularly not in the face of something that might be painful. How many of you believe it when you hear "This won't hurt a bit" from a doctor?

Which brings us to today's writing rant: lying.

When I was little, "liar" was a bad word in our house. I remember someone explaining to me that lying to a friend showed a lack of respect for her, as if she didn't deserve the truth, or couldn't handle it.* and **

Children are people. And as such they are deserving of our respect and honesty. And if you think they can't handle the truth of what you're writing, you shouldn't be writing it for them.

Jacqui's Four Most Despised Ways Books Lie to Kids

1. Portraying making friends as easy. If you smile wide enough, you'll meet someone the first day. Making friends is NOT easy. For anyone, child or adult. The playground in second grade can be a brutal place and it's totally reasonable to be anxious about it. Stop writing stories where everybody loves everybody by the end.

2. Non-scientific explanations for scientific and natural phenomena. I'm not talking about folktales that explain how zebras got their stripes, which I think kids recognize as folktales. I'm talking about outright not being able to explain the science clearly and fudging it or going with a "thunder is caused by God moving his furniture" theory. There's enough scientific misinformation out there, and kids will remember the science in your story as fact. So make sure it's true and clear.

3. Unresearched historical fiction or unresearched settings. I know some people will disagree with me on this. I feel that if you're going to use a setting, historical or otherwise, that you are inherently telling people that you know something about that setting. Kids learn from stories. If you set your book in 1347 in a rural village in China, I'm going to assume that in reading it, I will learn something true about life in a rural village in China. Make sure what I learn is true.

4. Life is 100% sunny. This is a big one. Picture books in particular are guilty of it. Adults forget entirely how scary, confusing, and big the world seems when you're young. Or, like the dental assistant, they think if they ignore the bad feelings, they'll go away. They won't go away, any more than a trip to the dentist will be fun just because you say it is. And in ignoring them, we're just sending kids the message that either we have no idea what's going on with them or we think it's unimportant or unacceptable.


"Okay! You're all done! Great job!" the dental assistant said when Tink was finished.

"I'm going to be tardy," Tink announced.

"But when you walk in, everyone is going to notice how white and shiny your teeth are."

Tink looked at me. I shrugged. We made her next appointment and walked out. I congratulated her on having no cavities and on being a big girl during the appointment.

"That was not fun," Tink said.

"No, I'd imagine not," I said.

"I hate the dentist," she said.

"Most people do," I said.

I'd like to say that Tink said something hilarious and yet poignant here. But that would be a lie...

* Go ahead, say it, Jack Nicholson fans. You know you want to.
** This, by the way, relates to politics, which I usually don't touch here. When politicians lie (or dumb-down the truth or skirt the question), I think it represents the same thing: a lack of respect for me as a voter, or distrust of my ability to understand the truth. And if he/she doesn't respect me, how can I trust him/her to lead with my best interests in mind?

A List For Fall

Reasons Not to Sink Into Deep Depression That Summer is Over and It's 40 Degrees Outside:

1. butternut squash soup
2. Halloween candy
3. apple picking
4. Huh. Oh! Tink looks really cute in footie pajamas.
5. Um. Um. Wow. Hmm.

Nothing. I got nothing else. And this list is not going to stand a chance against a list that includes the likes of:

1. Have no idea where winter clothes, gloves, boots, scarves, etc. are; locating them will require major overhaul of basement "organization" system
2. Kids already complaining about winter wear, throwing tantrums over coats, losing mittens...
3. Skin on hands flaking off. Also, throat sore with beginning of what will surely be cold that lasts until May
4. Baseball season ending. Baseball play-offs on too late at night for me to stay awake. No teams I like left anyway.
5. Forgot to demolish kids' dancing plastic ghost that sings chorus of "I Want Candy" all October long

As Toad* says when Frog tries to wake him up to enjoy winter, "Blah."

What's on your list?

* Toad is my idol when it comes to handling the seasons. In fact the Frog and Toad books are some of my favorites. Hilarious, even on the 100th reading.

You Can't Go Wrong With Dripping Letters

Today's episode of No, Seriously. Just Try It. is brought to you by The Mighty Thor who reports, "Lately, I am thinking about book covers."*

I worked at a bookstore for five years. I shelved hundreds of books for kids and adults. I know about book jacket marketing and book jacket dynamics. I know that, as The Mighty Thor said just now, "the cover doesn't even have to represent what's in the book; if it's a cool cover, people will buy it." Despite all this, I am still a sucker for a good book cover.

For today, though, I want you to forget that book jackets are marketing devices. I want you to think of your cover as one visual image encapsulating your whole book. It needs to convey the title, the mood you want to set, the one mental picture you want people to have as they start reading, and maybe a snapshot of your setting -- all in one image.

With that in mind, design your book cover. No, seriously. Just try it. I don't care if you can't draw. Lay it out. What goes where? Cut things out of magazines if you have to. Steal pictures of kids off other people's blogs.** What is your title? What font will it be in? What scene is so pivotal it can represent the whole book?

The hope, of course, is that having to answer these questions will crystallize what's important to you in your book. Also, if the cover's done, it'll be just like the book is already written, right?

The Mighty Thor did have some suggestions:
1. Dust sprinkled across the background (think Philip Pullman).
2. Killer zombies killing someone.
3. Cave trolls. In fact, Thor has announced that he's going to write a book and the whole thing is going to be an ode to cave trolls.
4. "You can't go wrong with dripping letters."
5. He will under no circumstances buy your book if the cover features stills of the actors in the film version.

So, with all that in mind, what does your cover look like?

* These are the kind of conversations we have all the time in our house.
** Not really, okay?

Look under there!*

In which I discuss underwear.

You thought Banned Books Week was over, but no! We have one more thing to do, and that thing is (drum roll)

UNDERWEAR

Because what's not funny about underwear? Nothing, that's what.

This week, I read Tink Dav's Pilkey's masterpiece Captain Underpants, the king of all underwear books...

JACQUI: This is another one of those books people don't want you to read.
TINK: Why? (truly baffled, probably because there's no gay marriage in it)
JACQUI: Well, Tink, it's because this book talks about...underwear.
TINK: (giggle giggle giggle) No, really!
JACQUI: No, really, that's it.
TINK: Okay, that is dumb. Those people are dumb. I'll tell you what book they should not want me to read. They should not want me to read Tarantulas Have Long Legs.** We read that book in reading group and everybody is going to have nightmares. Those people do not want me to know about underpants?
JACQUI: I dunno, Tink. Shall we read?
TINK: Tra la la!

And what a great book it is. Hilarious. Definitely my fourth favorite book about underwear.

Do I have you curious? Have no fear! Right now, in honor of underwear, and as one final "take that!" to the book banners, I bring you Jacqui's Room's top three books involving UNDERWEAR (in no particular order)...

Underwear Do's and Don'ts (by Todd Parr)
"Do go shopping for underwear with a hippo. Don't let her try it on." Nuff said.



Underwear! (by Mary Elise Monsell, illus. Lynn Munsinger)
Bismark the Buffalo is grumpy. Nothing will cheer him up, except the one thing nobody can frown through: saying "underwear" ten times in a row. Try it. If you're six (at heart or for real), it's impossible to stay straight-faced. Plus, the animals in underwear illustrations are awesome.




Sad Underwear (by Judith Viorst, illus. Richard Hull)

"Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Someone with sad underwear.
Sad underwear? How can that be?
When my best friend's mad at me,
Everything is sad.
Even my underwear."

And other fabulousness from the most true-to-kids author out there.


And now, as an extra special underwear day bonus treat, here are four things that rhyme with underwear:
Wonderbear (orsine superhero)
Plunder/share (the age old unattended Halloween candy bag dilemma)
Funder care (kissing up to your donors)
Shunned her hair (what Rapunzel's prince did after she dumped him)

Did I miss any?


* Did you think it?! Did you think "Under where?" Please tell me you did.
** I looked. I can't find it anywhere.
By the way, the underwear above is an image from Bloomers 4U, where you can also buy "hip capri bloomers." I'm not sure "hip" and "bloomers" belong together...

Uncle Bobby's Wedding

It's still Friday, right? Welcome to the final installment of Elise's Banned Book Challenge, in which

Jacqui Reads Her Children Books That Other People Think Are Bad For Them*

Week #6:
Uncle Bobby's Wedding
by Sarah Brannen

When Chloe's Uncle Bobby announces he's getting married, Chloe worries she'll be replaced in her favorite uncle's heart.

Thoughts: I love this book. It's a sweet story, with realistic kid emotions, adorable illustrations, and a palpable absence of schlock.

I asked Tink to review it.

TINK: OOOOOOHHHHH! Chloe is so CUTE! Mee mee mee mee! (Mee mee" being the noise impossibly cute guinea pig babies make, I guess.)
JACQUI: Can you guess why people don't want you to read this book?
TINK: Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever. Can we read it again?

In case you can't tell from the cover, the reason it's been challenged is that, by the way, Uncle Bobby is marrying another male guinea pig. The book's been cited as "about gay marriage," which fascinates me, because it's not. It's about jealousy and change and the very real kid fear of losing adults' love. The character just happens to be gay.

Which is really the best part. My favorite "issue" books are those where the issue isn't an issue. Sometimes I think we put ideas into kids' heads even as we're trying to teach them tolerance. It wasn't until I read Garth Williams' The Rabbits' Wedding (and talked about how dumb it was when people complained that one rabbit was white and the other was black) that Tink ever mentioned the different races of her friends' parents. The best books, for my part, are the "just happens to be" books, those which normalize what the author is trying to normalize by not making it an issue.

I was talking about this yesterday vis-a-vis children with disabilities. It's hard to find good books with disabled main characters where the book isn't all about the disability. Ditto adoption. And a variety of other topics.

So, I ask you: what are some of your favorite "just happens to" books?


* For explanation, see here.

Am I Not the Only One, Then?

It's still Thursday, right? Phew.

Sometimes the Thursday News of the Absurd amuses me. Today, I am fascinated. I apologize for quoting straight from Gopal Sharma's article; there's just so much there to ponder.

From Reuters:

Move over priests - Nepal state names "living goddess"

Nepal's new Maoist-led government has appointed a 6-year-old girl as a "living goddess" in the ancient city of Bhaktapur, for the first time snapping the link between the ancient ritual and the ousted monarchy.

For centuries, the head priest of the Nepali monarchy appointed the "Kumaris" in several towns in the Kathmandu valley. But with the abolition of the monarchy in May, that position has also disappeared.

Instead, officials at the state-run Trust Corporation overseeing cultural affairs appointed Shreeya Bajracharya as the new Kumari of the temple-town of Bhaktapur near Kathmandu, Deepak Bahadur Pandey, a senior official of the agency said.

Shreeya was enthroned on Sunday amid prayers by Buddhist priests and will be worshipped by devout Hindus and Buddhists until reaching puberty...

There are going to be so many great layers to this middle-grade novel (when you all stop screwing around on the internet and write it for me)!

1. She's six and has been declared her a living goddess that others should worship. How does this feel?! Or, more interestingly, how does it feel for her thirteen year-old sister, from whose point of view I want the book? According to the article, Shreeya will be worshipped until she hits puberty. I want her sister already there and for those issues to color her view of the story.

2. I don't want the spiritual aspect of this cheapened. I want the girls to both truly believe in Shreeya's new role. Imagine the pressure! Imagine the conflict in the sister, who must be so proud and get so many benefits from this, but also so envious and so tired of picking up after "The Goddess" (as she bitterly calls her under her breath).

3. It's the first time she wasn't monarchy-appointed. How does this work? Do people trust the government's choice? Is there another, more deserving girl whom people were expecting to be chosen? No! The other girl's NOT more deserving; she's just better at acting like she is. Really, she kicks Shreeya all the time and sticks her tongue out when nobody's looking. Or is it Shreeya's best friend and now Shreeya feels unworthy and guilty?

4. Why did this Trust Corporation pick her? I want shady dealings* to add an action/adventure twist to the book. What do they want from her family? Who is this Deepak Bahadur Pandey?

5. Furthermore, according to the article, Shreeya's predecessor, Sajani Shakya, retired earlier this year under pressure after religious authorities criticized a trip she made to the U.S. to promote a British film about the Kumari system. She's definitely a character in the book. Is she jealous? Mad? Or after nine years was she tired of it? Or was she forced out for some other reason, maybe having to do with #4?

AND it all takes place in the four square mile ancient city of Bhaktapur (see stunning picture above).

WHO WILL WRITE ME THIS BOOK????

* I invented this -- no evidence of shady dealings in the real story.

Maked! Me Maked!

In which I explain why that one last teeny tiny chapter is not yet written, but do not discuss writing at all.

In my efforts to preserve my free and nap time for writing, I will admit that I try to get many things done while pretending to play with Captain Destructo. The poor kid thinks visiting the meat counter at the grocery store is a play date.

He's outwitted me now though. He's figured out how to destroy diapers.

Every time I turn my back,* he strips, rips the tape right off the diaper (rendering it useless), kicks it off, and runs through the house screaming, "Maked! Me maked!" and cackling insanely. He is not potty-trained. I have no choice but to chase him, which delights him no end. Then, when I go to grab a new diaper, he takes off again, reaches onto the countertop and swipes anything he can reach to the floor (today's count: two tomatoes, one paring knife, a pot full of water, and my orange juice). We wrestle. I win, because I am not afraid to throw a leg over him, carefully pinning him to the ground while I re-diaper him.

"No naked," I tell him.

"No maked," he says contritely. "Socks off?"

"Yes, you may take your socks off."

I return to my task. Fifteen second pass and I hear, "Socks off. Giggle, giggle, giggle, SSQQUUIT.** Patter patter patter. Me maked!"

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I fear the only possible end to this madness is that I lose it entirely and join him.

* And by "turn my back" I mean cast my eyes aside from him for two seconds; it's not like I ever leave him alone.
** Yes, that is the sound diaper tape makes when ripping off.