Pouchèd Ninja, Hidden Sheep

In which I am silly and link a lot.

This week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM) is no laughing matter. Ever mindful of your well-being, we here in Jacqui's Room* have been tracking this story for months.

You are not safe in your home. All across the country, attacks are happening. But it wasn't until Kristi found this, that I knew it had to be more than random happenstance:

Kangaroo intruder terrorizes sleeping family**

Don't go read the article. It's not funny at all. These poor people were truly terrorized and violently so. BUT, the article led to a break-through in my investigations.

See, I knew about the moose and the buck, but I figured they were clear cut cases of game on hunter revenge break-ins. The sheep I pegged for a football fan; who hasn't wanted to butt her head through a window watching the Niners? But then I remembered the squirrels. And the wolves. And the antics of this clearly deranged evil beast are well-documented. It was a definite pattern. But what did it mean?

Then I read about the kangaroo, and the house's owner, who said:

My initial thought, when I was half awake, was it's a lunatic ninja coming through the window.

He convinced himself it was "only" a kangaroo. But we know the truth, don't we? It WAS a ninja. A nine foot ninja with a pouch. WHO HAD TO BE TRAINED SOMEWHERE.

"Where?" you may ask. It's not like these guys are around any more (Oh wait, they are. Really? Does anyone watch them? Huh.).

ANYWAY, where could a kangaroo go to learn the ways of the ninja?

No, not here, though oh sweet God how hilarious would it be if I got to go here and video it for you all, who's in?

Will you PLEASE stay on topic? The only place these animals could go to learn their mind-bogglingly sneaky ninja ways is...

Bernie the Badger's House of Beastly Ninjutsu. Of course.**

Where the embittered ancient badger from Joysey trains the young in the ninjaly*** arts and plots his rebellion against the race who reduced his reputation to this.

Covering such topics as "You are Prey, I am Predator, Let's Call the Whole Thing Off: interspecies cooperation against a common enemy" and "Zen and the Art of Not Stopping to Munch on the Furniture," Bernie takes his students on a crash course to revolution. And if you act now, you'll also get Bernie's Master Class DVD: Four Legs, One Door (Ninja masks with special ear holes not included).

Who will write me this book?

* Yeah. It's just me. But "we" sounds more official, eh?
** Known as Bernie the Badger's House of Mammalian Ninjutsu, before the armadillo uprising of 2007.
*** That is too a word. Stuff it.

My Status: A Morning in the Life

Jacqui is offline.
Jacqui is trying to sleep.
Jacqui's son posted a note: "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!"
Jacqui is turning off the baby monitor.
Jacqui's cats have sent her a "pawful of litter to the face."
Jacqui is fine I'm up okay?!
Jacqui blocked the application "Morning Breath."
Jacqui is trying to pour milk into a sippy cup without opening her eyes.
Jacqui is reading Richard Scarry's THINGS THAT MOVE. Again.
Jacqui is no longer part of the group "People Who Shower Daily."
Jacqui is a fan of caffeine.
Jacqui wonders if kids can OD on frozen waffles.
Jacqui is even if they're organic?
Jacqui is no longer a fan of winter.
Jacqui refuses to accept responsibility for the fact that it's freezing and you have to wear a coat.
Jacqui's daughter posted the note: "25 Random Things I Have to Touch When I Am Supposed To Be Brushing My Teeth."
Jacqui should have left ten minutes ago.
Jacqui's children are no longer members of the group "People To Whom Jacqui Is Speaking Nicely."
Jacqui is pulling her son out of the driver's seat.
Jacqui's daughter is not attending the event "First Five Minutes of School."
Jacqui is snabblefrug.
Jacqui is a fan of day care.
Jacqui is wracked with guilt over that snabblefrug.
Jacqui is practicing deep breathing.
Jacqui should be writing.
Jacqui is the Queen of Text Twist.
Jacqui just has to do this one more thing.
Jacqui is staring at the blank page.
Jacqui has nothing to say.
Jacqui is no longer a fan of her novel.
Jacqui is fine just write something already you loser.
Jacqui wrote a whole page.
Jacqui wrote three more.
Jacqui is writing.

A Room of One's Own, part deux

Remember my office? Remember how I excited I was about it? How I promised to clean it up? Hmm. Let's just say it got to the point where I would just crack the door, toss junk inside, and slam the door before anything fell on me.

This week, though, it was suggested to me by the guy from that show Clean Sweep a very wise friend that clutter in one's work space is a sign that one is terrified of the novel one is supposed to be writing not taking one's work seriously. Obviously this person has access to my internet records doesn't know anything.

I worked and worked. I bribed Destructo with all the masking tape he could eat and we worked for two hours. And voila!














I know. But look at the clear desk top! I sat there for two hours today and wrote and wrote and wrote. Baby steps, people.

Putting your money where someone's mouth was

Welcome to this week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM).

From YahooNews:

Man claims he found 10 human teeth in new wallet

Apparently, some guy bought a wallet, unzipped the change compartment, and found ten human teeth, one of which had a filling.

Two things you should know when explaining this to me:

1. Walmart "believes this was an 'isolated incident'."* (Um, they're not sure? There might be other wallets full of teeth out there?)

2. They were adult teeth, so the tooth fairy was not involved.

So tell me: what happened?

And if that doesn't inspire you, can you explain why this woman needed McNuggets so darn bad?

*Again, how to punctuate that??

Happy square root day

Fortunately, Jacqui's week off writing filled her mind with words and the "get back into it" mood.

Unfortunately, she cannot send her son to day care when he feels so cruddy that he walks around saying, "My feel bad! My feel sick in my mouf!"

Fortunately, Captain Destructo does not have strep throat.

Unfortunately, he does have "sick all night with fever that's resistant to Motrin and Tylenol only sleep on a parent barfs all over wakes up in the morning ready to play and not rest while Mama writes" virus.

Fortunately, I am willing to take little smiles where I can get them. And today is a Square Root Day. And yes, these are the kinds of mathgeeky things that make me smile. So happy square root day to you. I am going to watch Sesame Street.

What Jacqui Needs

Christy was playing on Google and it sounded like fun. The idea is to waste as much time as possible type your name and the word "needs" into your search engine and to list the first ten things Google thinks you need. It helps to share a name with the Home Secretary for the UK. Here are mine.

Jacqui needs
... to open her mouth and sing.
... to talk to the sisters.
... vitamin D.
... maximum friend time.
... to turn 13 or more or gain 305 more Werewolf points to reach the next level: Fire Werewolf! Jacqui should get out there and bite some people!
... to take a long hard look at herself in the mirror.*
... eye drops to help her vision.
... to get out more.
... someone to sing her praises.
... to be whacked.
... to feel herself at one with others, not just a reader of the small print but part of a whole which might include Hyde Park.

Obviously, one is much, much better than all the rest. From now on, you can all refer to me as "Fire Werewolf!" And yes, that includes the exclamation point.

* Interestingly, this one led to a blog called Novel Mum and a post by another Jacqui also screwing around on Google. Oh, the wonders of the internet. Do you think she'll be my friend?

The Graveyard Post

In which I ask that you please read the whole post before saying, "WHAT?!" and flaming me.

A confession: I did not want to like Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book.

Why?

1. I hated American Gods. I don't remember why. It wasn't a well thought-out criticism. Neil, if you are reading this, apologies. Please see above note about reading the whole post before hating me or feeling bad about yourself.

2. I thought maybe the Newbery committee had picked it as a "ha on you!" to all the people whining about recent award winners and popularity and blah blah we love to hear ourselves talk, wonder how many of us wouldn't give an eyetooth to win the Newbery blah blah blah.

3. The story-lady-in-training at my library read Gaiman's The Wolves in the Walls at preschool story hour this month. It's the story of a little girl who thinks she has wolves in her walls. Then it turns out, oh, she DOES have WOLVES IN HER WALLS and they kick her family out of the house to the street. Captain Destructo could be heard for days asking, "Wolves in walls?"

4. Bitter writerly envy.

Oh yes, I planned to hate it. But I had to read it, if only to gloat.

The book starts with a knife dripping with blood. By the end of the first chapter, the knife and the scary man holding it have brutally murdered an entire family except the toddler, who escapes to the graveyard.

REALLY?! And you people had a problem with "scrotum"??????

I was joyous.

And then I kept reading. And reading. And smiling.

Now Captain Destructo, as you might imagine, does not excel at staying asleep, or at falling back asleep once awakened. This is because these activities require being still, which is anathema to him. So the plan when sharing a room with him is this: sneak into the room well after he is sleeping, get to the bed without touching the floor, slide under the covers, and remain in whatever position you find yourself for the rest of the night without breathing, snoring, or adjusting no matter how numb you become.

Despite this, there I was, well after midnight, reading The Graveyard Book by nightlight, risking the sounds of pages turning and sighs of contentment.

Yeah, it's that good. It's so good I don't even hate it for not sucking. It's dark and delightful. It's a coming-of-age story that doesn't disrespect where the child's been. It's Dickensian in its characters and lovely in its language. You can find more detailed reviews here and everywhere, but my favorite is from emilyreads. And yes, the murder is scary, but it's also off screen and, well, I got over it and so will most kids.

When Tinkerbell is old enough, the first snow day she has, we're going to make cocoa and snuggle in bed and read the whole thing aloud together. I can't wait.