A Pigeon Named Trouble

Welcome to this week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM).

But first, as lovely as it is, this has got to be one of the signs of the apocalypse. Or else someone seriously screwed up at the Ministry of Magic. Other theories?

Now, on to the book one of you is going to write me...

From MSNBC and the AP:

Homeless Homing Pigeon Creates Flap

"A New Hampshire couple are trying to figure out what to do with a homing pigeon that came to the wrong home — theirs."

Apparently, the pigeon, whom the couple has named "Trouble," refuses to leave the yard. They've tried setting him free, but he keeps coming back. And nobody can find his owner. The couple and the authorities are convinced poor Trouble is confused.

He's not confused, people! He's trying to tell you something. He's a homing pigeon, for goodness sake. I'm not sure how it works, but either someone "homed" him to you, or his owner is buried in your backyard!

You can go two ways with this. First, there's the pigeon story. Poor Trouble. He's not smart. He's not pretty. He can't soar like an eagle. He's good for one thing: delivering messages and getting back home. So what happens when the darned humans won't take the hint? Trouble's going to have to make them see the light somehow, all while avoiding power lines, detection by his owner's arch enemy, and the neighborhood cats. I want very simple text. For some reason, I have Garrison Keillor's voice in my head as the voice of Trouble. And I want Matt Phelan to illustrate (yes, he's the brilliant illustrator of The New Girl...And Me, as well as the forthcoming Two of a Kind, both by yours truly); check out the Pigeons of the Month feature from his sketch blog.*

Alternately, there's the mystery of Trouble's owner and what Trouble's message is (Ah, trouble always has a message for us...). I kind of like the owner buried in the backyard idea. And it's up to Edmond, the eight year-old asthmatic whose mother won't let him outside for fear he'll over-exert himself, to find the answers. I made up Edmond; feel free to insert your own main character. The title, of course, is Looking For Trouble.

Will someone please write me one of these books?

* The truth, though, is that I know Matt lives in Philadelphia and I know, having lived there, that the pigeons are not nearly this cute. They are flying rats and someday I will tell you about my ongoing war with the pigeons next door (title: The Pigeons Next Door), which involved coffee filters, snowballs, and an old shoe. If I don't use it in a book.