Saturday, June 21, 2008

Captain Destructo: a one act play

In which I explore the theory that if you can't throw it or eat it, you may as well bash yourself in the head with it.

You've met my daughter, Tinkerbell, through the story of her trip to the principal's office. Now meet my son, Captain Destructo. Captain Destructo is nineteen months old and he is missing the gene that evolved in most humans that is responsible for regulating the self-preservation instinct. If you need a visual aid, he looks something like Max.

An actual conversation with Captain Destructo, a one act play:

[Jacqui and Captain Destructo play outside on the lawn on a lovely Saturday afternoon. Captain Destructo runs through plants and falls, getting back upright with one hand full of something.]

JACQUI: Oh! What did you find?


JACQUI: Oh, it's a big rock.

DESTRUCTO: Rock? (puts rock in mouth)

JACQUI: Oh no, honey, we don't eat the rock.

DESTRUCTO: Rock. (aims to throw rock at mother)

JACQUI: No, no, honey. Don't throw the rock. Someone could get hurt. Let's go play with the tennis racket again. Do you want a turn with the tennis racket?


JACQUI: Yes, it's a great rock.


JACQUI: Yes, it's yours. I am not going to take your rock. What are you going to do with the rock?

DESTRUCTO: (puts rock in mouth)

JACQUI: No, we're not going to eat it.

DESTRUCTO: (aims to throw rock again)

JACQUI: No, we're not going to throw it.

DESTRUCTO: (ponders, brows furrowed, then smiles.) Aah. (Bashes himself in the head with the rock hard enough to make an audible thump)

JACQUI: Ow! What are you doing? (tries to take rock)

DESTRUCTO: Hah hah hah. (runs away, hitting self with rock multiple times)

JACQUI: (chasing son) Stop! Ow! No hit.

DESTRUCTO: (stopping) Rock. (puts rock behind back)

JACQUI: Give Mama the rock.

DESTRUCTO: Mine. (puts rock in mouth)

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.


Mary Witzl said...

My youngest was like this! She was a big, uncouth-looking bruiser of a toddler who put everything in her mouth, including (if she could catch them) cockroaches and sowbugs. Thank God she tended to keep them there instead of swallowing straight away. I can't tell you how many times I got her to spit out sowbugs; I try not to think about the roaches.

Good luck with Destructo. Our youngest is now a slender, sensitive-looking teenager who bears no resemblance to her thuggish two-year-old self. Until she is crossed...

Jacqui said...

Mary, it is good to hear she made it to teenagedom. Though I know that carries a whole new set of concerns...

Diane T said...

You only think Capt. Destructo is missing the preservation gene. In reality, he is attempting to a) build up his immune system by trying to eat the outdoors; and b) increase his bone density by breaking down the fibers and letting them heal stronger. I know for a fact that martial artists who regularly break concrete actually harden their bones. (I mean those who do it professionally, not just for kicks, like me.)

My mom swears I used to eat dirt when I was a toddler, and I didn't turn out too badly. :-p