Friday, November 21, 2008

Steve, The Munchie, and Me

My boyfriend Steve from AT&T has been cheating on me. I called him last night and his new girlfriend answered the phone. She said her name was Munchie.* I asked for Steve.

I hope I won't sound too catty when I say, Steve's new girlfriend? Not so smart.

I told her my AT&T U-Verse service wasn't working.

JACQUI: I'm getting a strange blue screen that says AT&T U-Verse.

MUNCHIE: Is it plugged in?


MUNCHIE: Can you please check?

JACQUI: If it weren't plugged in, how would I get the blue screen?


JACQUI: Is Steve there?


JACQUI: Nothing. I promise. It's plugged in.

MUNCHIE: Do you have your AT&T remote control?


MUNCHIE: Can I ask you to please replace the batteries?


MUNCHIE: When was the last time you replaced the batteries?

JACQUI: Maybe I wasn't clear. It's not that I can't change the channel. It's that I have no service.

MUNCHIE: Yes, I see. But we have to trouble check everything.



JACQUI: Why do we have to check things if there's no way that's the problem?


JACQUI: Okay. (lies) I changed the batteries.

MUNCHIE: Now can you please press the 'AT&T' button?


MUNCHIE: What do you see?

JACQUI: Same screen.

MUNCHIE: And now please press 'OK.'

JACQUI: Same screen.

MUNCHIE: And now please press 'channel up.'

JACQUI: Same screen.

MUNCHIE: And now please press 'guide.'

JACQUI: Same screen.

MUNCHIE: Okay, and now please --

JACQUI: I'm sorry, but what are we trying to do?

MUNCHIE: We're trying to find out what's wrong with your TV.

JACQUI: Yes, but what do you THINK is wrong with the TV that pressing all these buttons can help?



MUNCHIE: Okay, and can you please press 'input'?

JACQUI: (explodes)

Oh, Steve. We could have had it all. Don't worry about me. I opened another box of the treasure trove from my mother's house. ** I don't need you, Steve. I have all my old Norma Klein books and I'm gonna curl up all weekend with this:

And this:

And this:

Life is so good. See you Monday.

* That's what it sounded like, I swear. I think Munchie was very far away.
** I know. You were hoping for more evidence of my dorkiness. Don't worry; I'm sure it's in there somewhere.


Diane T said...

Ah, Norma Klein was awesome! I'm not sure I have any of her books left, but I know I still have some Paula Danziger and Paul Zindel hiding away in my closet (or maybe one of my mom's) somewhere.

Anne Spollen said...

Mom, The Wolfman and Me...oh my...

C.R. Evers said...

LOL! You need to dump steve! He and Munchie deserve each other!


Rena said...

Oh geez! Been there, done that! I don't know why we have to talk to people like that. Some are obviously going off a script no matter what you say.

I hope you can get the problem fixed. Poor Steve. LOL!

Sharon Blankenship said...

OMG!!!!! We had Direct TV, which had its own version of Steve and Munchie, only they were called Habib and Shazam.
At least Munchie spoke a (form of) English.
I totally envy your everyday encounters. May the force be with you and Steve return to save your service. May your AT &T run competently for the next 48 hours.

Elise Murphy said...

Snarf. But really, Norma Klein makes up for it all!

Tabitha said...

LOL! This sounds frighteningly similar to a conversation I had with a DirecTV customer service rep years ago...maybe she moved to AT&T? :)

Jacqui said...

Diane, Elise and Anne: the Norma Klein is just as awesome as you remember.

Christy, I know, I know. But it started so well!

Rena and Sharon, I almost didn't want Munchie to be able to fix the problem because she was so obviously not knowledgeable. But she did. Though I have no idea how.

Tabitha, maybe Munchie is cheating on Steve!

J. Thorp said...

Wasn't Munchie a character in Mom, the Wolfman, and Me? :- P

Kim said...

I know of few worse endeavors than having to speak with the cable company, phone company or insurance company over the phone. I'm sorry you are without tv, but at least you have some wonderful reading material to get you through:)

Crystal R. said...

I loved Norma Klein, too. An awesome, awesome writer! And I read those same books!

Jacqui said...

Kim, isn't it surprising how annoying a phone company can be on the phone? You'd think they'd make it easy!

Thorp, hmm. Does that mean you didn't go through a Norma Klein phase?

Crystal, welcome. Yes, just seeing the covers made me feel happy!

Brenda said...

I have directv and this conversation happens quite often...and then they usually want to sell you an upgrade...why would I pay more for something I can't watch!!! grin...

Enjoy your books...if At&T is like have lots of channels but nothing on anyway...grin...

Marcia said...

Although a lover of truth, I felt strangely better when you said you lied about changing the batteries. :) I would've had to too, because in our house "Change the batteries" garners the auto-response "We don't have any left."

Jacqui said...

Brenda, lots of channels and nothing on is so true!

Marcia, I couldn't have changed them anyway either.