Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Canadian Rain Forest

In which I show why my children have no chance of turning out normal.

Tink is experimenting with sass. She's been testing us with "whatever" and eye rolls and other things that make me want to THROW HER somewhere. So last night she got sent to her room.* When she came down, she had on a straw explorers hat, a peasant skirt, knee socks with bright blue socks over them, and a pillow case full of her belongings.

TINK: Hello? Is anyone home?
DESTRUCTO: My play trains, Tinkerbell.
JACQUI: I'm glad you're back.
TINK: I'm not Tinkerbell. I'm Sarah, a traveller.**
JACQUI & THOR: ????
TINK: Yes, I travel all over. I have no job, so I must, um, travel. May I stay here a bit?
JACQUI: Certainly, you are welcome to rest your weary head in our home as long as you'd like, so long as you do not say "whatever."
THOR: From where have you travelled, Sarah?
TINK: I come from a small village in the Southern Canadian rainforest.
THOR: The Canadian rainforest?
TINK: Yes.
THOR: There's no -- (gets hit with dishrag).
DESTRUCTO: My play trains! My play trains, Tinkerbell!
TINK: Who is this Tinkerbell? Is she your daughter?
THOR: She was our daughter.
JACQUI: But we sold her to the circus monkeys*** because she was acting like a poop.
TINK: No! (whispers) Pretend I am just on vacation.
THOR: She is just on vacation.
JACQUI: With the evil circus monkeys we sold her to.
THOR: Who promised they wouldn't eat her.
JACQUI: Or beat her.
THOR: But frankly, they'll probably cut her up and sell her for parts.
JACQUI: Especially if she starts acting like a poop again.
TINK: Stop!
JACQUI & THOR: (snort snort giggle)
DESTRUCTO: MY PLAY TRAINS!
TINK: Is this your son? What is his name?
JACQUI: His name is Hambone. And I am Queen Pajama McHoogie.
TINK: Is there something shorter I can call you?
JACQUI: Yes, you may call me "Yes, Mama. Anything You Say Mama."
THOR: And you may call me Master of the Domain.
TINK: Those names are too long.
JACQUI: Then you may just call me Yes Mama.
THOR: And you can call me Master Dada.
TINK: How about just Dada?
THOR: Okay. Dada...Master.
TINK: How about something without Master in it?
THOR: Okay, you may call me Dada, Lord of all the Realm.
TINK: Sigh! What is this toy?
THOR: It's a special toy made out of the bones of our last house guest.
JACQUI: It's a tradition.
THOR: Yes, at the end of your stay, we decapitate you, steam you, and melt your bones into a mold shaped like a train.
DESTRUCTO: My play train.
JACQUI: Sarah, please hand the train back to Hambone. I mean, Prince Hambone, future Lord of all the Realm.
THOR: Master.
JACQUI: Master.
DESTRUCTO: Master.
TINK: Nnnnngh!
JACQUI: Where's she going?
THOR: I have no idea.

* "Go to your room" being the last "yes, I'm a mom" moment I hadn't yet experienced...
** You must read Tink's words in slightly British formal book speak.
*** Yes, I know, this is a terrible thing to say and probably offensive to actual circus monkeys. Apologies.

7 comments:

C.R. Evers said...

LOL! What else can I say other than LOL! :0D

Sharon Blankenship said...

A dire warning, Jacqui. The girls get worse. They are the most expert pouters, door slammers, and deep sighers in the world.
Even if you tell them their eyes will get stuck rolling around forever in their heads, they WILL NOT stop.
My Play Trains with Destructo.
Sharon

J. Thorp said...

Brilliant parenting, Jacqui -- keeps 'em on their toes, always thinking ...

However, if we come to visit, I will not stay to play trains. Tradition or no, if you put the cauldron on to boil, I'm gone!

Elise Murphy said...

Oh, how you toy with your tender daughter's emotions!! But it is such devilish fun - we do it all the time around here. And yes, I agree with Sharon, it does get worse. Eldest has been rolling her eyes at school and been asked multiple times to stand in the hallway!

Laura Handy said...

Didn't Hansel and Gretal live in the Canadian Rainforest? Aahh, but seriously, girls are fun, aren't they? I'm surprised you didn't get another "whatever" when she left the room!

sruble said...

You always have the best kid stories!

Brenda said...

LOL! I almost miss have a child in the house...just for moments like this...