Thursday, January 15, 2009

Squirrel Bits, the Movie

In which I offend lovers of squirrels and film.

I love animals. Really, I do. But this week, I am going last scene of The Godfather on the squirrels in my attic.* If I had the video skills, I would make you a movie...

Close-up of happy squirrels at play on my lawn, in my trees, on my roof, disappearing into their entry hole. Happy music plays.

Fade to me at night. Thor snores. Tink snores. Destructo dreams of tearing paper to bits. I lay wide awake, grimacing, listening to pitter patter and squeaks of squirrels overhead. From over the baby monitor, we hear a snort, then a whimper, then a full-blown cry. They have woken the baby.

Silence gives way to Wake Up, by Rage Against the Machine. I lead Animal Control man up attic steps in slo-mo, wearing Keanu Reeves' black trench coat from that scene in The Matrix. Tink stands horrified (she's the Talia Shire figure). At peak of Rage song, it skips to Carmina Burana. Video becomes series of shots of Animal Control man descending stairs with peanut butter-covered squirrels, either alive/frantic, or dead from having spent the entire night bashing their heads against the sides of the cage. Over and over the squirrel cages come.

Fade to me sleeping peacefully, evil grin on my face...

The body count is up to three, so don't call PETA yet. The man who came to fix the "raining in the kitchen" situation put an aluminum something over what he thought was the squirrel entry point, so our fingers are crossed.

In honor of the squirrels, have you seen Scaredy Squirrel, by Mélanie Watt? Super cute and funny.

* My cousin has pointed out to me that the baptism/consolidation scene I am referencing is not, in fact, the last scene of The Godfather, in which Michael closes the door on Kay. But as I told him, "going all almost the last scene of The Godfather" just doesn't capture it.

10 comments:

Brenda said...

Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do...sleep deprived wives, mothers and girlfriends are a dangerous breed of female to mess with...you are just teaching those squirrels a lesson they won't soon forget...grin...

J. Thorp said...

Wow -- I'd totally watch that. Look out, yo! J-Rob is Calm Like A Bomb!

Jacqui said...

Brenda, I made them an offer they couldn't refuse (peanut butter).

Thorp: exactly!

Kelly said...

Oh, man! Crazy squirrels! We had some in our fireplace once. We had to have wildlife removal specialists to get them. I offered to act like a nut to help get the squirrels in view. They didn't laugh...

Candace Ryan said...

Jacqui, I think you've just sealed your fate for becoming an acorn in the next life.

Don't worry. Maybe you'll get to be a rotten one so you can give some squeaky squirrel a tummyache he'll never forget. Mwah-haha!

Elise Murphy said...

Oh, dear! That sounds . . . bloody but somehow very satisfying. My dog spends most of her time watching the trees attentively and then rushing across the yard like the lead horse in the Kentucky Derby. So far - Dog 3, Squirrels 5,963. I could lend her to you if you like. Dog + squirrels trapped in attic is sure to up her score.

Jacqui said...

Kelly, I would have laughed.

Candace, I know. I am definitely an acorn.

Elise, it's not SUPPOSED to be bloody. They're supposed to get trapped and then released. But they keep getting trapped in the wee hours (even though squirrels are diurnal) and then beaning themselves trying to escape. I actually feel terrible!

Ello said...

Will I admit my un-pc animal issues if I actually applaud your violence?

Rena said...

LMHO -- too funny. And the Scaredy Squirrel books are hilarious!

sruble said...

Peanut Butter? Who woulda' thunk? (Don't all animals love PB?) I hope that's the last of the squirrels! I love the Scaredy Squirrel books too.