Friday, December 11, 2009

How We Celebrate Hanukkah At My House

an original blog play in three acts

Act I: Why I Want To Growl At People Who Ask My Jewish Kids If Santa Is Coming
Destructo awakes, rubs his sleepy eyes, and looks out the window.
DESTRUCTO: Snow!
JACQUI: Yes, it's snowing. Hurrah!
DESTRUCTO: Santa come today!
JACQUI: Huh?
DESTRUCTO: Santa come when it snows.
JACQUI: Well, kind of. He comes on Christmas.
DESTRUCTO: It Kissmas!
JACQUI: No.
DESTRUCTO: But it SNOWING!
JACQUI: It's almost Christmas. But today is a special holiday too. Do you know what?
DESTRUCTO: Kissmas?
JACQUI: No, it's HANUKKAH. And you know what that means?
DESTRUCTO: Santa comes!
JACQUI: No. We get to have a Hanukkah party. In fact, we get to have a party every night for the next eight nights.
DESTRUCTO: (warming to the idea) Wif treats?
JACQUI: Yup. And games and prizes and chocolate coins!
DESTRUCTO: Hurrah!
JACQUI: And tonight, you get to open a present --
DESTRUCTO: From Santa!
JACQUI: (bangs head on menorah)

Act II: Things Tink Is Not Getting For Hanukkah
JACQUI: So, Tink, anything special you want for Hanukkah?
TINK: A dog.
JACQUI: Ha! I mean, um, maybe. Anything else?
TINK: A guinea pig. Or a hamster. Something in that family.
JACQUI: Is that the small rodents that smell family?
TINK: Guinea pigs don't smell.
JACQUI: Rarely have less true words been spoken.
TINK: What?
JACQUI: Nothing. What else?
TINK: A snake.
THOR: No way.*
TINK: A lizard, a turtle, a tree frog.
JACQUI: Tink, what do you want for Hanukkah that isn't alive?
TINK: Nothing. How about a cat?
JACQUI: We have two cats. You can have them.
TINK: But I want a new cat.
JACQUI: I tell you what. I'll get them groomed and bathed and you can start being in charge of them.
TINK: They'll be my cats?
JACQUI: They'll be your cats.
TINK: I get to rename them.
JACQUI: Sure.
And that is how my twelve year-old cats, who thought they couldn't fall any further into cat purgatory, got new names. Meet "Shimmer"

and "Hairball." The look on Shimmer's face should sum up his feelings on this matter.

* Note: Thor has an abiding and unmanly fear of snakes.




Act III: Peace on Earth, Donut to All


TINK: Mama, we talked about "Shalom" at Hebrew School today. It's cool how it means peace and hello and goodbye.
JACQUI: Yeah. It's like you're wishing people peace every time you say hello.
TINK: Donut.
JACQUI: What?
TINK: I want a donut.
JACQUI: Oh, I thought you were wishing me donut.
TINK: Hee hee. I was wishing me donut.
JACQUI: Well, donut to you too. Oh, that felt good. I am definitely doing this from now on.
TINK: Me too. Nice talking to you. Donut.
(they crack up)
So, throughout this holiday season, Tink and I will be saying "donut" instead of hello or goodbye or peace. Because we can all use more donut in the world.

Happy Hanukkah, and donut to all of you.

15 comments:

cath c said...

i am truly laughing out loud. thank you, and donut!

(your poor cats are not adjusting well to their new monikers.)

Amber Lough said...

I laughed so hard at this. Truly.

And "donut" to you. Have a wonderful Hanukkah!!! (I once celebrated Hanukkah solo, in my dorm room. It was rather...dramatic.)

Diane T said...

Ah, "don-ut" feel good to enjoy the season? And they say winter is the "crullerest" month.

Your cats shouldn't complain. There was one at the shelter today who had lost all her teeth and was named "Slurpee." Luckily someone came in and adopted her anyway.

deborahfreedman said...

Have a donut-filled & happy Hannukah!

taralazar said...

Is that a jelly donut? If it is, then I will be wishing everyone a donut.

Now if you'll pardon me, I'm trying to survive until sundown, when my kids will finally stop pestering me to open their gifts.

taralazar said...

Oh--and a great Hanukkah gift for your kids? ARNIE THE DOUGHNUT by Laurie Keller, of course.

Debbie Diesen said...

I love it! I'm thinking "Donut" could take the place of the currently popular "Best" or "All best" at the end of letters.

Donut,
Debbie

sruble said...

Ha! Donut! Thanks for the laugh and Happy Hanukkah! I loved all the acts in your post. We'll be saying "donut" here now too, or at least I will, and maybe DH. Not sure if we can convince both sets of parents, they could either be really confused or think it's the best thing ever. Will see them and try it in about a week and a half.

sruble said...

p.s. Did they ever get their donuts?

Jacqui said...

cath c, no they are not. Shimmer is particularly not pleased.

Amber, I did solo Pesach once. Not fun.

Diane T, this may be my favorite pun comment ever. And poor Slurpee.

Thanks, Debbie!

Tara, we love that book. And yes, jelly donut to you.

Debbie, genius. Also, I'm hanging up the phone with "donut" from now on too.

sruble, I really hope you convince them.

Corey Schwartz said...

Ha! Hilarious play. And so glad we are not the only ones around here who celebrate Hanukkah!

C.R. Evers said...

LOL! Actually, even many Christians don't acknowledge the "santa" thing. And even though I'm non-commital on the golly-elf, my kids still think that it's Christmas when it snows. I still have the conversation re: snow vs. Christmas despite the religion. dang snow.! It's no dang good no matter who you are.

Donut to you! ;0)

That's something everyone can celebrate.

wordwranglernc said...

My kids would be tickled pink to get a present for 8 nights in a row! :) ONe year we celebrated the 12 days of Christmas, (minus all the stinky animals). As for snow, I sure wish it did that more here - as long as I don't have to be out in it. :)

I hope you and your family have a joyous Hanukkah!!

peace,
Donna

Jacqui said...

Corey, Happy Hanukkah (and sufganiyot) to you!

Christy, this is true. I know lots of Christian parents who get totally fed up because they spend a ton of energy trying to emphasize the religious aspects of the holiday and all anyone asks the kids is what they want to get. This is why we should all just wish one another donut :)

WordWrangler, thanks! Donut to you too!

J. Thorp said...

Belated donut, Jacqui (although, when it comes to donut, better late than never, I say).

My word verification is "bromp," which it the sound one makes after raising a pint of root beer and toasting "donut" with one's mates.