Monday, January 4, 2010

Jacqui's Room Topics You Missed Because You Don't Live in My Head

I had so many things to tell you while I was in Argentina. Turns out I CAN go ten days with no internet, no cell phone, no email, and no day care. What I CANNOT do is stop thinking of things about which to write. But, one of my new year's resolutions is to live in the present, so I'm not going to try to recapture the inspiration. Here's what you missed:

1. If You're Gonna Have Family Drama, There Might As Well Be Actual Wild Monkeys Around

2. The Power of Words: A lengthy discussion of how we trick ourselves into thinking the word we use for a thing is somehow infused with the essence of that thing so that someone who does not speak our language at all should somehow understand anyway if we just say the word loudly and expressively enough. Punctuated by examples from Tinkerbell and others and involving a joke about monkey bars.

3. Dear GuaranĂ­ People, So Sorry Your New Year's Day Purifying Dip in the IguazĂș Falls** Was Ruined By the Shrieks of My Son And If You Find the Piece of My Husband's Chin That He Bit Off, That's Okay, You Can Keep It.

4. Dulce de Leche, Nectar of the Gods. Includes references to Proust and the parallels between his experience with the madeleines and my tasting this caramel-like goodness for the first time since childhood. Also: elaborate fantasy involving dulce de leche crepes.

5. Why You Can Never Check Anything Off Your Parental To Do List/The Un-Power of Words. In which I have to explain the concept of death to Destructo for the fourth time in two months because he has heard "going to find Grandpa's dada's grave" as "going to find Grandpa's dada and bring him home with us." And other deep thoughts on family history, childhood, the random migration of people and families, and Brooklyn.

And, my favorite,

6. What Will Happen If Immigration Thinks You Are Accidentally Smuggling Diseased Horse Poop Into the U.S.

** At least, that's what I was told was going on; for all I know they were tourists from Duluth.


Hope Vestergaard said...

Do you live in MY head, Jacqui, or do we just lead strange, parallel existences? Because I know exactly what happens if your spouse promises he has thoroughly scrubbed your toddler's barn boots before packing them, when in fact, he has merely done a C- effort. Humorless USDA agents will pull you out of the line, scrounge through all of your bags in search of other evidence of so-called "accidental" manure smuggelry, and march you to the naughty room, which is decorated with sins of travelers past: ivory, alligators, sausages, berries, seeds, and taxidermied flying monkeys. There you will be requested, no, commanded to scrub all traces of aforementioned manure from the offending boots, not once, but THRICE, until they meet the exacting standards of the dept. of agriculture. And the sterilizing solution will make your travel-weary knuckles ache. And then you will do the smuggler's walk of shame out past arriving passengers and enforcemnent agents, and you will meet the other members of your party, and someone will say, "What took you so long?" And your head will explode.

kelly dipucchio said...

hahahaha Jacqui and Hope!

But I'm really feeling kind of bad for that piece of chin that got left behind.

cath c said...

serious laughs out loud deserve to be fully spelled.

glad you're back. hope ya'll had a blast. a peruvian mother of kids in my captain comic's taekwando class told me the ancient secret recipe of dulce de leche.

it involves a can of sweetened condensed milk and hours of boiling then cooling.


That was a sweet walk inside your field of golden words, Jacqui. I felt like a tourist in a living museum. In the next room, please remain silent while the author returns to her natural habitat and re-discovers her affection for the man-made invention they called "The Computer." Remain seated if The Author squeals in delight. This behavior is normal. {}

-Pamela, a native daughter of the backstreets of Brooklyn

Jacqui said...

Oh, Hope. That is so much worse than what happened to us! We did get pulled out and sent to the naughty room where we were forced to stand for what felt like hours while the people in front of us explained why they had a suitcase full of pomegranates and fish. And we definitely got the "how dare you attempt to spread disease and pestilence across the good ole US of A with your strange foreign horsie germs" speech. But we did not have to use the sterilizing solution. I count my blessings.

Kelly, it made some caiman really happy, I am sure. But it also probably engendered a love of human flesh. Poor next tour boat.

cath c, I wish I had the patience to try. I wish I had smuggled home some instead of horse poop. That would've been worth the naughty room.

Pamela, ha! The computer and I keep singing that song from long ago "Reunited and it feels so good..."

J. Thorp said...

welcome back, my friend -- it's good to have you.

Jacqui said...

Thanks, Thorp. You too.

Corey Schwartz said...

Okay, I know I have said this before, but... FUNNIEST POST EVER!

Jacqui said...

Thanks, Corey!


Do you have family in Argentina? What brought you down there for this trip?

"Reunited and it feels so good..." Rock on, Peaces and Herb (although I think I remember reading Peaches is Dead... Sorry to be a Pamela Downer). ;>