From the Jacqui's Room Office for Outer Space Affairs

My Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM) news this week turned out to be a hoax!

I was disappointed to hear that, contrary to many media sources (all of whom should be really embarrassed for repeating it without doing any fact-checking), the U.N. did not actually appoint someone Earth's official "first contact" with alien life forms. Apparently, there is not someone in an office in Malaysia whose job is to wait for aliens to contact us.

This is very disappointing because one of you was going to write me a hilarious picture book about the bored bureaucrat sitting filing her nails, cracking gum and fielding the alien phone calls. ("Hello, Department of Earth's First ExtraTerrestrial Contact. How may I direct your call?") The official first contact was Malaysian, but I was picturing her from Jersey. And of course she was unfazable, regardless of what crazy aliens came in. "I'm sorry sir. There are no further openings for attempted invasion and take over of New York City this month. Please fill out Form P-2987 and submit it with November's application fee. Next."

Mostly, I'm disappointed nobody has to answer me this: it's all fine and well for US to know who the first contact is. But who's going to explain it to the aliens?

Oh well. At least U.N.O.O.S.A.* really exists. That's enough to feed the imagination for a while.

* the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs

What makes me smile

I'll bet you thought in today's post I was going to be all "Darn you, Winter! I believed you were gone! I shelved my down jacket and now this?! 35 and about to rain?!" To which Winter would be all, "Ha ha ha ha! She's been in the mid-west since the early 90s and my patented "Spring is here" March fake-out still gets her every year. Now I am off to jack her furnace. I love my job."

But, too bad for you, Winter, because I am all warm and fuzzy from hanging out with teachers, librarians, and other Michigan writers all weekend at the Michigan Reading Association conference, so even the fact that I will undoubtedly be blamed for Tinkerbell's freezing legs even though I told her ten times she needed tights cannot shake my good mood.

Other things that make me smile:

1. This is awesome. Next up for these scientists: Mr. Weasley's flying car.

2. This is awesome too. Though years from now, only the Legos will remain.

3. The deer have returned to my back yard. There's a crowd that's mostly females and a crowd of young-looking males. They eye each other from opposite edges of the yard. I am totally hosting Deer Prom.

4. But mostly, I got a reminder this weekend of why I started writing to be published. A second grade teacher came to me, asking to have Two of a Kind signed. She held it out and said, "I hadn't read any of your books before. But this is happening, this exact thing, with the girls in my class and I haven't been able to figure out what to do. I'm reading them this book first thing tomorrow morning." And then she thanked me for writing it.

Monday bits, and why writers are like puppy dogs

Happy Monday, oh mighty and numerous visitors to Jacqui's Room. Did you have a good weekend? Were you stuck in your house alone for 16 hours with two kids who probably had swine flu* and no electricity and no doughnuts? Not pretty, people.

Here are my thoughts:

1. Remember when I raved about Nicola's Books, my favorite local bookstore? Well, Nicola herself wrote me on Goodreads to tell me how much she likes Two of a Kind, so I am floating.

2. Many, many of you have given Two of a Kind wonderful shout-outs on your own blogs and I am much, much grateful. I was going to link to them all, but the aforementioned 16 hours with no electricity have also apparently ruined my AT&T U-Verse service and I have exactly nine minutes left before I lose it again.** Soon...

3. I am not a huge dog person. But you have to admire their short term memory. My sister has a dog and he's cute, but, like I said, I am not a dog person. Yet every single time that dog sees me, he comes running up like this, THIS might be the time that I shout "FOZ!" and wrastle him to the ground and let him lick me all over.

I'm starting a new book today -- a picture book. And here I am, all in love with it, leaping to the blank page, drooling and panting and thinking this, THIS will be the book that lives up to its image in my head, that never makes me pound my head on the keyboard or Google things like "WHY DO I EVEN TRY?"

Woof woof.

* symptoms: fever, cough, unending snot drip, extreme crankiness, inability to follow simplest of directions without protest...
** Remember my ex-boyfriend SteveFromAT&T and his new girl, Munchie? So Thor calls AT&T last night and gets Mr. Helpful who is kind and smart and tries hard to figure out the problem and they're sending someone over ASAP. What the heck?!

Sunday bits

1. Say, have you gotten your copy of TWO OF A KIND yet? Why not?! Go find it at your local bookstore. Now.

2. Diane tells me that Cheryl Klein is also hosting a worst first line of a children's book contest. But what about MY contest?! Thievery! Who is this "Cheryl Klein" person? What has she ever done for children's literature?

Actually, I have met Cheryl on several occasions and she is downright lovely. We talked at length at SCBWI-NY drink night this year about the revision process Francisco X. Stork went through on Marcelo in the Real World (possibly still my favorite book read in 2009, though that's unoffical) and it was fascinating and inspiring to me. You should go enter her contest also, because she seems to be "organized" and offering "actual prizes." Though I am sure Cheryl cannot offer you your pick of treasures such as a first edition of Grease: the Book and a signed copy of Magic Johnson's autobiography.

3. Speaking of contests, first place in the "best response to a parental order" contest goes to Tinkerbell, who, upon being sent to her room by The Mighty Thor, stormed up the steps shouting, "I shall have my revenge!"

Sunday bits

1. A poll:
Do you ever give up on a book you're reading? And if so, do you feel guilty afterwards, or freed? I just gave up on a book. Halfway through (and "halfway" = about 250 pages) I not only didn't want to keep reading, but if the book had disintegrated in my hands and ceased to exist entirely, I would have felt nothing but relief. So why am I still thinking about it?

2. Here is a book on which you should not give up*:

Beach, by Elisha Cooper

I must admit I am partial because
1. it's dedicated to the North Avenue beach in Chicago, where I spent many a run,
2. I sort of know Elisha from college, which is why I picked it up, and
3. we are about to head to the beach for a quick spring break and I can't wait.

But my bias aside, you really should check it out. It is a gorgeous, simple, charming story starring the beach on a summer day, and it captures that hot, sandy, relaxed, salty mood perfectly, so much so that Destructo sighed contentedly at the end and Tink said, "Mama, he is really, really good at drawing people doing things."

3. If you haven't been obeying my linky commands and checking out GottaBook daily during National Poetry Month, you have been missing out. As I commented there, it's like getting a present every day. I loved today's, OWL, by Ann Whitford Paul for its ending.

* up on which you should not give

Monday Math

1.

2. Given that
a=40
b=10
c=2
d=10 and
e=0

where
a=approximate weight of pregnant raccoon in pounds
b=number of minutes Jacqui spent at her front door screaming, dancing, and banging on
c=number of pots, to try to scare the raccoon into not crossing the street, and
d= number of times Jacqui has written "Find hole squirrels where squirrels got in and fix it" and
e=number of times she found the hole and fixed it.

Then, if x=chances that Jacqui will not have raccoon babies in her attic by the end of the week,

then, sadly, I think x=0

3. A word problem:
Jacqui bought six boxes of Girl Scout cookies. She bought 2 boxes of Thin Mints, 2 boxes of Samoas, and 1 box each of Tagalongs and the shortbread ones nobody likes except dipped in tea. Jacqui has 3 other people in her family. 0 of those other people like Samoas. If Jacqui has had the boxes of cookies at her house for two weeks, and there are 20 cookies in each box, where the heck did all the Samoas go, oh my god, really? I ate them all?! None of you had a single one oh I feel sick.

4. 20 Samoas per box X 2 boxes = how many calories? For real? Oh crap. How many calories do you think I burned torturing the raccoon?

5.
Cost per book to buy The New Girl...And Me: $16.95
Approximate royalty income to Jacqui from each book: seven peanuts
Payment to Jodi Reamer, Jacqui's agent: two peanuts
Validation of herself as a writer Jacqui gets every time a royalty check comes in the mail: priceless

Squirrel Bits, the Movie

In which I offend lovers of squirrels and film.

I love animals. Really, I do. But this week, I am going last scene of The Godfather on the squirrels in my attic.* If I had the video skills, I would make you a movie...

Close-up of happy squirrels at play on my lawn, in my trees, on my roof, disappearing into their entry hole. Happy music plays.

Fade to me at night. Thor snores. Tink snores. Destructo dreams of tearing paper to bits. I lay wide awake, grimacing, listening to pitter patter and squeaks of squirrels overhead. From over the baby monitor, we hear a snort, then a whimper, then a full-blown cry. They have woken the baby.

Silence gives way to Wake Up, by Rage Against the Machine. I lead Animal Control man up attic steps in slo-mo, wearing Keanu Reeves' black trench coat from that scene in The Matrix. Tink stands horrified (she's the Talia Shire figure). At peak of Rage song, it skips to Carmina Burana. Video becomes series of shots of Animal Control man descending stairs with peanut butter-covered squirrels, either alive/frantic, or dead from having spent the entire night bashing their heads against the sides of the cage. Over and over the squirrel cages come.

Fade to me sleeping peacefully, evil grin on my face...

The body count is up to three, so don't call PETA yet. The man who came to fix the "raining in the kitchen" situation put an aluminum something over what he thought was the squirrel entry point, so our fingers are crossed.

In honor of the squirrels, have you seen Scaredy Squirrel, by Mélanie Watt? Super cute and funny.

* My cousin has pointed out to me that the baptism/consolidation scene I am referencing is not, in fact, the last scene of The Godfather, in which Michael closes the door on Kay. But as I told him, "going all almost the last scene of The Godfather" just doesn't capture it.