Monday, March 23, 2009

Monday Math


2. Given that
d=10 and

a=approximate weight of pregnant raccoon in pounds
b=number of minutes Jacqui spent at her front door screaming, dancing, and banging on
c=number of pots, to try to scare the raccoon into not crossing the street, and
d= number of times Jacqui has written "Find hole squirrels where squirrels got in and fix it" and
e=number of times she found the hole and fixed it.

Then, if x=chances that Jacqui will not have raccoon babies in her attic by the end of the week,

then, sadly, I think x=0

3. A word problem:
Jacqui bought six boxes of Girl Scout cookies. She bought 2 boxes of Thin Mints, 2 boxes of Samoas, and 1 box each of Tagalongs and the shortbread ones nobody likes except dipped in tea. Jacqui has 3 other people in her family. 0 of those other people like Samoas. If Jacqui has had the boxes of cookies at her house for two weeks, and there are 20 cookies in each box, where the heck did all the Samoas go, oh my god, really? I ate them all?! None of you had a single one oh I feel sick.

4. 20 Samoas per box X 2 boxes = how many calories? For real? Oh crap. How many calories do you think I burned torturing the raccoon?

Cost per book to buy The New Girl...And Me: $16.95
Approximate royalty income to Jacqui from each book: seven peanuts
Payment to Jodi Reamer, Jacqui's agent: two peanuts
Validation of herself as a writer Jacqui gets every time a royalty check comes in the mail: priceless


C.R. Evers said...

LOL! Finally, math that I can understand. LOL! YOu crack me up!

good luck w/ keeping the baby racoons away.

Debbie Diesen said...

I have such a weakness for (large quantities of) Samoas that I suspect Girl Scouts of America is going to make me sign a Release From Liability form next time I order.

But I do still miss Scotties. I know the shortbread cookies are supposedly the same thing but they're NOT.

Diane T said...

I bet the baby raccoons would like Samoas...

(haha, my word validation was "perger," which sounds like what I might do after consuming all the Samoas ... except I have a teenager in the house, so that's not a problem.)

Kelly said...

Ahh, good luck with the critters!
I am having the same problem with Keebler fudge cookies. Why did I even open the darn thing up? Every time I walk by, I take just one. Six just ones a day add up! (there's my math monday)

Amber Lough said...

You are my favorite funny blogger.

BTW, I have ordered your new book and can't wait until it's out and in the mail. Maybe I can add a few peanuts.

Oooh, here's an idea: have the Girl Scouts sell your book door to door when they sell the cookies.

Jacqui said...

Thank you, Christy! I will keep you updated on the baby raccoons. I am sure they will at least be cuter than the squirrels.

Debbie, me too. Seriously. Or at the very least, they'll put me on sort of probation, like I have to register whenever I move to a county that has cookies in it.

Amber, aw, shucks. Thanks. I love your idea about selling my book door to door, but I keep picturing myself mistaking the book for cookies and mauling it Cookie Monster style.

Diane, genius! My mom used to feed raccoons near our house Velveeta out of her hand. Huh. That sounds less sweet and more seriously stupid now that I am grown up-ish.

Kelly, that's exactly it. How can just one hurt? And just one now on my way to do bedtime. And just one now on my way...

a brilliant blog said...

royalty checks and girl scout cookies? life is good, not doubt!
Great blog!!

Brenda said...

My Goodness your neighborhood is quite 'furry' isn't it...grin...

Good luck with keeping the raccoons at bay...

Thin Mint! Yummy!

Jacqui said...

Brenda, it is. And I love it. When the indoor/outdoor boundaries hold.

brilliant blog, thanks. It is good. And you are a genius. I am officially changing my name to "Brilliant and Prolific Writer."