Thursday, March 12, 2009

Pouchèd Ninja, Hidden Sheep

In which I am silly and link a lot.

This week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM) is no laughing matter. Ever mindful of your well-being, we here in Jacqui's Room* have been tracking this story for months.

You are not safe in your home. All across the country, attacks are happening. But it wasn't until Kristi found this, that I knew it had to be more than random happenstance:

Kangaroo intruder terrorizes sleeping family**

Don't go read the article. It's not funny at all. These poor people were truly terrorized and violently so. BUT, the article led to a break-through in my investigations.

See, I knew about the moose and the buck, but I figured they were clear cut cases of game on hunter revenge break-ins. The sheep I pegged for a football fan; who hasn't wanted to butt her head through a window watching the Niners? But then I remembered the squirrels. And the wolves. And the antics of this clearly deranged evil beast are well-documented. It was a definite pattern. But what did it mean?

Then I read about the kangaroo, and the house's owner, who said:

My initial thought, when I was half awake, was it's a lunatic ninja coming through the window.

He convinced himself it was "only" a kangaroo. But we know the truth, don't we? It WAS a ninja. A nine foot ninja with a pouch. WHO HAD TO BE TRAINED SOMEWHERE.

"Where?" you may ask. It's not like these guys are around any more (Oh wait, they are. Really? Does anyone watch them? Huh.).

ANYWAY, where could a kangaroo go to learn the ways of the ninja?

No, not here, though oh sweet God how hilarious would it be if I got to go here and video it for you all, who's in?

Will you PLEASE stay on topic? The only place these animals could go to learn their mind-bogglingly sneaky ninja ways is...

Bernie the Badger's House of Beastly Ninjutsu. Of course.**

Where the embittered ancient badger from Joysey trains the young in the ninjaly*** arts and plots his rebellion against the race who reduced his reputation to this.

Covering such topics as "You are Prey, I am Predator, Let's Call the Whole Thing Off: interspecies cooperation against a common enemy" and "Zen and the Art of Not Stopping to Munch on the Furniture," Bernie takes his students on a crash course to revolution. And if you act now, you'll also get Bernie's Master Class DVD: Four Legs, One Door (Ninja masks with special ear holes not included).

Who will write me this book?

* Yeah. It's just me. But "we" sounds more official, eh?
** Known as Bernie the Badger's House of Mammalian Ninjutsu, before the armadillo uprising of 2007.
*** That is too a word. Stuff it.


C.R. Evers said...

Your title is perfect! :0) Luv it! Kung Foo Panda better watch his back!


Mary Witzl said...

That kangaroo attack is just surreal!

Say what you will about animals, but I don't fear them half so much as I do table corners and the legs of beds. Those sneaky, insidious, vicious legs of beds that lie in wait under bedspreads and duvet covers to attack. And I've got the bruises to prove it!

Brenda said...

I use to watch the TMNT with my son all the time!!! I loved those turtles...grin...

Diane T said...

Sounds like you're ready to write this book... Sorry, I only deal in human martial artists.

Jacqui said...

Thanks, Christy.

Mary, I grew up with a platform bed and have the chin scar to prove it.

Brenda, that was before you knew the truth! :)

Everyone, you should know: Diane is an actual ninja. It is true. I have seen her in action.

sruble said...

Kanga ninja - funny and fun to say! I like the sheep ninja too. The sheep ninja would be fun to draw.

Jacqui said...

sruble, I think the jaded badger ninja trainer would be fun to draw too. If I could draw.