Thursday is saved

Earlier today, I was wondering if perhaps one kid-free hour a day is not enough time in which to finish a novel, shower, work out and blog. In my head, I was penning a bloggy apology for once again having no Thursday inspiration for you.

And then this:

TINK: How is your book going, Mama?
JACQUI: Good, thanks for asking. But I had to cut the skeleton scene we worked on. It just didn't fit, you know?
TINK: Too bad.
JACQUI: But thanks for helping anyway; it got me thinking about other ideas.
TINK: I need your help with MY book, Mama. My series, actually.
JACQUI: You're writing a series?
TINK: Yeah, it's a series of silly books. There are going to be five of them. (sounding exactly like me when I am wrestling aloud with a plot problem) I already know what's going to happen in all of them, but I need some help with good titles. Can you think of some?
JACQUI: Well, what happens in them?
TINK: In the first one, the big idea has to do with the funky bunny village. Wait! I know. The first one is called The Funky Bunny Village. And the second one is going to be Charlie McKey is Not a Funky Bunny.*

Charlie McKey is Not a Funky Bunny. I LOVE it. Is it plagiarism if you steal from family?! Who will write me this book?

* FYI, rest of the series includes: Everyone Does Not Like to Play With Charlie McKey, Wait Up Charlie McKey, and The Funky Bunny Village Rises Again.

Brigitte Get Your Gun

In which the TNoftheAWSPWTBIM moves from our "hooved animals in police custody" theme to our "teens misbehaving" theme.*

Conference or no conference, I could not stand to skip this week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM).

Sometimes, I have to search high and wide for odd news that's appropriate. Sometimes, the news inspires a question in me that is unrelated to the actual story (like Tank on the Lam). This week the story jumped up and hit me in the head from the headline alone:

From Reuters:

Teen Girl's Bank Robbing Days Over

Apparently, French police arrested a 16 year-old girl who "played a crucial role in six previous bank robberies since the beginning of July, threatening staff with a gun to force them to open security doors to let in two or three masked accomplices."

Wow. Will someone please write me this book? Not the story of how a 16 year-old girl falls in with a crowd of bank robbers. Meh. Too serious. I want a first person girl-led adventure story in the voice of a French Annie Oakley. I want dopey co-robbers and men who don't think she can best them until she shoots their berets** off. And I want a satisfying reason she lets herself get caught in the end (because they'd never catch her if she didn't let them).

And after you write it, I want a cut of the movie rights. But I can't think who could play Brigitte. Hmm...***

* Just think of the poor souls who are going to google "teens misbehaving" and end up here. Serves them right. Heh heh.
** Yes, I am aware that not everyone in France wears berets. But I like the image.
*** ...much fight urge to spend all the time allotted for revising today playing around on internet casting movie of book nobody has written...

Tortoise on the Lam

Welcome to this week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM).

From the AP and Newsvine:

"Tortoise returned after 2 1/2 weeks on the lam"

Apparently Tank, an 8-year-old, 60-pound African spur thigh tortoise, escaped from his family's garage and was missing for 2 1/2 weeks before he was found and returned.

Okay, I see two ways this can go. There's the book TANK ON THE LAM, all about Tank's adventures. It could be lovely, but it's just not inspiring me today. Plus, we already did it with the lighthouse.

What I really want to know is this: why are they keeping him in the garage? Is Tank the family vehicle?! I know gas prices are high and I, too, would like to avoid a minivan for dragging my kids around, but a tortoise?!

Will someone please write the story of parents who, angered by rising gas costs and allergic to horses, decide to carpool their children to school atop a 60-pound African spur thigh tortoise?

I am thinking David McPhail illustrations, like those in PIGS APLENTY, PIGS GALORE, mostly because I love the man in P.A.P.G.'s frustrated calm in the face of the pigs' chaos. I want the kids and their lunchboxes and backpacks and sports equipment and the parents and their briefcases, and maybe the family dog, all piled on top of poor Tank. But I want the language minimal and wry, kind of like in Delphine Perret's THE BIG BAD WOLF AND ME.

Will someone please write this book?

Goat and Dog in cahoots

Welcome to this week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM). Despite appearances, I am not obsessed with hooved animals in police custody. By the way, you can always find past Inspirational Moments to the left (scroll down), under "Explore Jacqui's Room."

From USA Today and the AP:

Police Nab Mercedes-Climbing Goat

"It happened Sunday when a woman driving the Mercedes saw a goat and dog playing on U.S. 72 in northern Alabama, Sheriff Mike Blakely said.

She stopped, afraid they would get hit, Blakely said. But the goat jumped on the car and wouldn't come down. Fearing scratches and dents in her import's paint job, she called the Limestone County Sheriff's Department. A deputy got the goat down and put it in his patrol car, but then the dog jumped into his back seat too."

Three things you gotta love about this:

1. Classic example of the importance of the hyphen. Otherwise, the headline would read, "Police Nab Mercedes Climbing Goat," which is an all together different story about police catching a German car as it drove up a goat.

2. The dog refuses to be separated from the goat. Did he leap into the back seat of the squad car desperately sobbing and woofing, "Take me with you!" or was he making a last ditch effort to save his friend?

3. The rhyming picture book possibilities. I want a cumulative rhyme, along the lines of The House That Jack Built and The Napping House. I want the goat (and in my book the dog is with him up there, because I am the author and I can manipulate reality) placidly sunning himself atop the luxury car, maybe in the clear lines and bright colors of Rob Scotton's Russell the Sheep. Each successive page features someone new trying to talk the animals down. Meanwhile, in the background, traffic mounts and the illustrations build vignettes of motorists getting into fights, sharing snacks, and playing frisbee across the parked cars. Right before the end, there's a wordless page where the goat and dog yawn and then nod at each other. The goat steps down and allows himself to be led to the police car, the dog hops in, and on the back inside cover, we see them speeding away down the highway, chaos in their wake, and the dog says to the driver, um, um, something clever. "Can we stop for pizza?" "Petco, please, and make it snappy?" Neither of those is clever enough. Help, clever readers. What does the dog say?

Will someone please write this book?

Space Chicken, Intergalactic Milk Delivery Poultry

In which I eventually get to my new favorite technique for getting unstuck while writing, I promise. But first, a word on zombies and poultry.

My husband* would take issue with my last post. He says you can't have a checklist of what makes a great novel without one of the following:

1. zombies
2. nanotechnology (preferably a swarm of tiny robots gone bad)

He would probably also grudgingly accept the following:

1. fire
2. defenestration
3. shape shifters
4. a biological villain, such as a supervirus**

In fact, whenever I write something new, my husband inquires which of the above it contains. He is always disappointed. He would like the social conflicts in my classroom oriented picture books to be more often resolved through clone wars.***

Now, Tinkerbell loves my books. But, she REALLY loves the stories her dad tells her in the bathtub, which revolve around the exciting adventures of Space Chicken, Intergalactic Milk Delivery Poultry, whose efforts to bring fresh cold milk to all of our universe's children (alien and otherwise) are constantly thwarted by circumstance and occasionally goofy bad guys.

The fact is, the Space Chicken stories are fun. Fun to make up, fun to hear.

Which bring us to my new favorite technique for getting unstuck. You know those times when you have something to write, or to revise, and just isn't coming? It just looms over you, dreaded and humongous? Your house is spotless, your bills are paid, and you've created hand-made paper scrapbooks for your pets -- anything to avoid putting pen to paper? Here is your assignment:

Choose one item from the lists above and use it. I am not joking. I don't care if you're writing an 18th century romance; have the lovers attacked by zombies. Make the mama bunny toss the baby bunny out the window.

I am willing to bet three things:

1. It will be much easier to write the scene (or whatever) than however you're trying it
2. It will be much more fun to write as well
   
3. Even though you can't use the scene like this, you'll find something, some little tidbit, that you can use. And hopefully having that little bit will make the whole thing start to come together.
   

Let me know. And if you need more, try here, which is what inspired my sharing this.

* My husband is actually quite well-read and enjoys many books without any robots. Just not as much, I think.
** Preferably one that speeds through the air and is neurologically devastating so that our hero can be a pediatric neurologist with a penchant for research and several letters in track...
*** Also, he would also like me to refer to him in future posts as "The Mighty Thor."

The Ugliest Dog

Welcome to this week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM).

From the AP:
"Gus the dog has three legs, one eye and no hair, except for a white tuft on the top of his head. He's a real winner...The pedigree Chinese crested won the World's Ugliest Dog contest on Saturday at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Northern California."

Oh, poor Gus. Click here and look at him. I dare you not to laugh.

Will someone please write the heart-warming story of Gus's ugly duckling journey from mocked, unwanted ugly dog to admired, desired World's Ugliest Dog? I want crazed David Shannon illustrations standing in hilarious contrast to a text with a simple tone, like Dan Yaccarino's Unlovable, but with a truly ugly main character.

And does anyone else see a striking resemblance between Gus and Skippyjon Jones?

Jackals and Lizards and Raptors! Oh my!

Welcome to this week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM).

From CBS News and the AP:

"Jackals, monitor lizards and raptors descended on a runway at New Delhi's main airport after heavy rains Monday, delaying flights, an airport official said."

According to the official story, the animals were trying to dry off after a monsoon.

No they weren't. They were trying to make a flight.

But where were they trying to go? And why?

Perhaps they were tired by the thought of the upcoming monsoon season and were headed to dryer* pastures?

I am picturing a departure from the usual personalities for these animals. I want terrified jackals, sarcastic lizards*, and sequin-wearing raptors. They argue over where to go on vacation; the raptors hear Paris is divine while the jackals would like to be closer to home. I am thinking of the adventurous yet tongue in cheek voice in David Wisniewski's The Secret Knowledge of Grown-Ups.

Will someone please write this book?

*edited to add: Oops. I meant "drier." The spelling queen stumbles. But I didn't have the heart to edit it after Diane's comments (see below).
** Sarcastic lizard idea in no way a reflection of what I know of our own frequent visitor, Lizard. Okay, maybe a little.

Exploding Chickens

In which I introduce our new weekly feature: the TNoftheAWSPWTBIM.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new weekly feature here in Jacqui's Room. Other blogs get to have features; why can't I?

So here it is, drum roll please, your Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment.*

From Yahoo News and the AP:

"The road was closed while the Hartford Police Department's bomb squad came and blew up the chicken."

Go ahead. Explain that one. I'm seeing middle grade chapter book, lots of chicken puns, maybe written in the style of Dav Pilkey?**

The full article doesn't provide many details. It does say, "Nobody was injured." Except the chicken.

Why would a raw chicken full of pipe bomb be sitting at the side of the road?

I guess that's one way to get to the other side...

*I am still working on the title; is TNoftheAWSPWTBIM too long an acronym?
** Just to be clear, I don't think bombs are funny, nor does Jacqui's Room condone the use of poultry for terrorist acts.

Will Somebody PLEASE Write This Picture Book?

From the AP (photo is an AP photo as well):

Missing Cape Cod Lighthouse Located in California

"Local historians for decades thought the 30-foot tall lighthouse that once overlooked Wellfleet Harbor had been taken down and destroyed in 1925.

Turns out, it had just been moved to the California coast."

The best part? They aren't sure how it got there.

I know how it got there: it swam.

Will somebody PLEASE write the picture book of this lighthouse's journey? I am dreaming of adventures, storms at sea, and the hunt for, well, something. Mine would be written in the peaceful, seeking tone of Shel Silverstein's The Missing Piece. Artwork by Chris Van Allsburg, maybe? There is your story idea for the day.

In other news, while searching for a link for The Missing Piece, I found this, which asserts that the book is "the perfect primer for children on the gender theories of French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan." Hilarious.

Now go write that book.