Friday Bits

In which I don't sweat the small stuff.

1. Squirrels. Yup, the terrifying attic monsters turned out to be really fat squirrels whose doom now awaits them in the form of a peanut butter trail to a big silver trap. They'd built a huge nest right on the attic door, so when Animal Control Man* opened the door to the attic, he got showered with half-chewed walnut bits. I have to be honest: I had gotten myself so worked up about the monster that when I heard the attic open, a very small part of me was disappointed not to hear "HOLY COW! RUN!!!!" followed by a velociraptor shriek. But squirrels it is. And here is a fact: squirrels are pigeons that can't even fly and I hate them now.


2. I went shopping at lunch time with my sister** and we stopped to play at the make-up counter and to pretend we know what to do with foundation and other mysterious things. They had an eye product called "Well Rested" and the saleslady stopped snorking at us long enough to recommend it.

"What does it do?" I asked.

To which my sister replied, "You take it home and it blows up your children."


3. Look at the cuteness. Tabitha awarded me this lovely butterfly and it made my day. I'm waiting to pass it on until I find something great I think you all haven't seen yet, but, well, really, I just wanted that pretty picture here.

* Who was totally dreamy and would have had every chance in the world to replace Steve as my new boyfriend, if only he had shown up within the two hour window promised.
** It is a bloggy crime that I haven't quoted my sister more to you as she is the funniest person I know.
-- squirrel photo (from Wikipedia Commons) by Aaron Logan --

Steve, The Munchie, and Me

My boyfriend Steve from AT&T has been cheating on me. I called him last night and his new girlfriend answered the phone. She said her name was Munchie.* I asked for Steve.

I hope I won't sound too catty when I say, Steve's new girlfriend? Not so smart.

I told her my AT&T U-Verse service wasn't working.

JACQUI: I'm getting a strange blue screen that says AT&T U-Verse.

MUNCHIE: Is it plugged in?

JACQUI: Yes.

MUNCHIE: Can you please check?

JACQUI: If it weren't plugged in, how would I get the blue screen?

MUNCHIE: What?

JACQUI: Is Steve there?

MUNCHIE: What?

JACQUI: Nothing. I promise. It's plugged in.

MUNCHIE: Do you have your AT&T remote control?

JACQUI: Yup.

MUNCHIE: Can I ask you to please replace the batteries?

JACQUI: What?

MUNCHIE: When was the last time you replaced the batteries?

JACQUI: Maybe I wasn't clear. It's not that I can't change the channel. It's that I have no service.

MUNCHIE: Yes, I see. But we have to trouble check everything.

JACQUI: Why?

MUNCHIE: What?

JACQUI: Why do we have to check things if there's no way that's the problem?

MUNCHIE:

JACQUI: Okay. (lies) I changed the batteries.

MUNCHIE: Now can you please press the 'AT&T' button?

JACQUI: Okay.

MUNCHIE: What do you see?

JACQUI: Same screen.

MUNCHIE: And now please press 'OK.'

JACQUI: Same screen.

MUNCHIE: And now please press 'channel up.'

JACQUI: Same screen.

MUNCHIE: And now please press 'guide.'

JACQUI: Same screen.

MUNCHIE: Okay, and now please --

JACQUI: I'm sorry, but what are we trying to do?

MUNCHIE: We're trying to find out what's wrong with your TV.

JACQUI: Yes, but what do you THINK is wrong with the TV that pressing all these buttons can help?

MUNCHIE:

JACQUI:

MUNCHIE: Okay, and can you please press 'input'?

JACQUI: (explodes)

Oh, Steve. We could have had it all. Don't worry about me. I opened another box of the treasure trove from my mother's house. ** I don't need you, Steve. I have all my old Norma Klein books and I'm gonna curl up all weekend with this:




And this:


And this:


Life is so good. See you Monday.











* That's what it sounded like, I swear. I think Munchie was very far away.
** I know. You were hoping for more evidence of my dorkiness. Don't worry; I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

Ode to Steve from AT&T

In (vaguely-rhyming, poorly metered) verse, because I was inspired by Eeyore Walt Whitman.

Oh, Steve!
I can't believe
You braved the spidery crawl space to bring me the internet.

Oh, Steve!
This poem I weave
In honor of your visit last week and aftermath. Schminternet.

Oh, Steve!
There on your sleeve
It said, "U-Verse: the fastest around."

But, oh, Steve!
I can't conceive
There's a slower freakin' internet service in town.

Steve! My windows they pile-up
While each...page...loads...onto...my...screen
Steve! It's slower than dial-up!
I have...trouble...remaining...serene.

I checked my connections, I checked my AirPort,
Called customer service and filed a report
On hold for an hour and got the retort
It's wires loose, somewhere, or maybe a short.

They say you'll come back and you'll fix it for me
But oh, in the meantime, oh Steve, can't you see?
I'm seeking a man who can hook me up fast,
Not someone whose broadband is stuck in the past.
My patience is waning! My love might not last!
I'm dreaming of cheating on you with Comcast!

So, Steve,
You see I grieve
My heart fills with pain and with sorrow.

And Steve,
Before you leave
I just want to say

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I'll Sic My Grandmother On Her

I am back. Woo-hoo! Hearts to Steve from At&T, who braved the spider-filled crawl space under my house to retrieve internet cable.

Today’s Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM) is based not on news, but on something I overheard. As I write my young adult novel, I’ve been eavesdropping on the teens who congregate outside my favorite coffee shop so that I can pillage their lives for my stories develop an ear for teen patois. Earlier this week, I heard two boys, about 14 years old, have this conversation:

Boy #1: Guy, she really said that?
Boy #2: Shut up.
Boy #1: Seriously, I can’t believe she said that.
Boy #2: I said ‘Shut up!’
Boy #1: What’d you say?
Boy #2: I said, 'At least I’m not mumble mumble.' (The problem with eavesdropping is you miss the dirty parts. Suffice it to say, whatever #2 said, it was hilarious; they both cracked up.)
Boy #1: She’s gonna kill you.
Boy #2: Nah, I’ll sic my grandmother on her.
Boy #1: (now serious) Yeah. How many people she killed now?
Boy #2: They think six.
Boy #1: They caught her yet?
Boy #2: Nah.

WHAT?! No, really. WHAT?!

Oh, wow. A fourteen year-old boy, with no luck in love, and a grandmother on a multi-state killing spree. Will somebody PLEASE write me this book? No, forget it. This one, I want to write. Forget I said anything. Go back to your own writing. Nothing to see here…