Friday, August 22, 2008

Ode to Steve from AT&T

In (vaguely-rhyming, poorly metered) verse, because I was inspired by Eeyore Walt Whitman.

Oh, Steve!
I can't believe
You braved the spidery crawl space to bring me the internet.

Oh, Steve!
This poem I weave
In honor of your visit last week and aftermath. Schminternet.

Oh, Steve!
There on your sleeve
It said, "U-Verse: the fastest around."

But, oh, Steve!
I can't conceive
There's a slower freakin' internet service in town.

Steve! My windows they pile-up
Steve! It's slower than dial-up!
I have...trouble...remaining...serene.

I checked my connections, I checked my AirPort,
Called customer service and filed a report
On hold for an hour and got the retort
It's wires loose, somewhere, or maybe a short.

They say you'll come back and you'll fix it for me
But oh, in the meantime, oh Steve, can't you see?
I'm seeking a man who can hook me up fast,
Not someone whose broadband is stuck in the past.
My patience is waning! My love might not last!
I'm dreaming of cheating on you with Comcast!

So, Steve,
You see I grieve
My heart fills with pain and with sorrow.

And Steve,
Before you leave
I just want to say

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Kristi Valiant said...

Hilarious! This really needs to be published somewhere...

Anonymous said...

Ah, Jacqui,
Told it was too expensive to put in the country, I lived without high speed for years.
A local company (Deerfield & Petersburg Cable) started offering cable TV and internet service.
I love them. They're local. You always get a live person and their "help" is really help.
I don't suppose you'd consider a move to the country so you could get this too?

Jacqui said...

(blush) Thanks, Kristi.

But the plot thickens. An unnamed Steve-substitute is at my house now. He insists there IS no problem. Internet is, of course, behaving uncharacteristically speedily (until the moment he leaves, I'm sure).

Tabitha said...


Yay to Old Steve who braved the spiders.

Boo to New Steve who can't find the gremlins interrupting your service.


J. Thorp said...

i love the "cheating on you with comcast" bit ... nice!

Kristi Valiant said...

Seriously, Jacqui, SCBWI's Bulletin publishes funny poems. Try submitting this!

Danette Haworth said...

Ha! Excellent! Love the last line.

Elise Murphy said...

I'm snarfing in my coffee.

The truth is, the internet can NEVER be fast enough.

Boni Ashburn said...

Jacqui- Hilarious! You're a verse genius, my dear.

I think you should send it to Comcast- it would make a great ad for them :)

Stephanie J. Blake said...

Internet! It is never quick enough for me!

Jacqui said...

Sharon, after all your stories of how easy it is to get into town???

Boni, that is genius.

Thanks to all for the cheers. Not-Steve left me and things seem to be fine, but the love is lost forever, I fear. Particularly since Not-Steve was watching over my shoulder as I messed around trying to get it to be as slow as it had been and I fear he saw the title of this post...

Brenda said...

LOL...I applaud you...LOL...That was quite good...

cindy said...

hahah! i love it!

when i loaded the page, i first read oh steve, i can't conceive...

and i was worried for one nanosecond. haha!

C.R. Evers said...

LOL!!! too funny!


Marcia said...

What a great laugh!

And great information. I take it U-verse is no real alternative to Road Runner.

Jacqui said...

Thanks Cindy, Brenda, Christy and Marcia! I will keep you updated on the success of not-Steve's visit...

Mac McCool said...

Too funny!!!!! I know someone at Verizon that might inspire at LEAST a haiku!