Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Wrath of Mama: a one act murder mystery

In which I recreate a conversation with Tinkerbell.

JACQUI: So, what did you like or not like about camp today?

TINK: I didn't like Ursula.*

JACQUI: That seems a little harsh. Poor Ursula. I hope you were nice to her. Why not?

TINK: She's mean.

JACQUI: Uh-oh. How so?

TINK: She made fun of me and another girl on the bus because we were sitting next to a boy. Then he moved his seat.

JACQUI: Hmm, that does sound kind of mean.

TINK: Yeah, and she called me a name.


TINK: She called me a baby when I was sucking my thumb.

JACQUI:Oh no, she didn't! (mother bear fur standing on end). What?

TINK: She said only babies suck their thumbs and she pointed at me and said (singing), "You are a baby."

JACQUI: Which one is Ursula? Because I am going to kill the little twit I don't know if I know her. And I need to know her, so I can kill her.

TINK: She was there this morning, with the blue shirt**?

JACQUI: In the pink shirt? With the tiny mom in the three-inch heels? I think I can totally take them both I remember her.

TINK: Yeah.

JACQUI: So, (takes calming breaths) what did you say when she said that?

TINK: Nothing. I ignored her, like you told me when people are mean.

JACQUI: (doing internal "I rule and my daughter does too" dance) That's good. I mean, it's kind of funny, Tink. What's less grown up: sucking your thumb or being mean to people?

TINK: (giggles) Being mean to people. But she probably thinks that's grown up.

JACQUI: Well, then you should just grab a chair and rearrange the brat's face ignore her, like you did. It sounds like this Ursula is someone you should tell the other kids you saw picking her nose and eating it stay away from.

TINK: I do.

JACQUI: Good. Because when the grenade hits her house, I don't want you there.

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and to leave no trail that could lead beaver police investigating injuries to "Ursula" and her family back to Jacqui's Room
** She was not really wearing a blue shirt.


J. Thorp said...

I admire your courage in sharing the things that *actually* go through your head in these cases -- and your self-reported restraint in sharing them with your daughter.

It's a constant struggle having the bestest, politest, nicest children ever, don't you think? : )

I wonder what Ursula told her mother ... and if her mother dreamt last night of fending off some "strange bird" -- barely sane -- with nothing but her stilleto heels. >:- )

C.R. Evers said...

LOL! As a mother, I can totally relate! Especially all the things you thought but didn't write. ;0)


Jacqui said...

thanks for not turning me in . . .

Mary Witzl said...

Wonderfully funny!

That crossed-out red text? That's the stuff I might actually have said a time or two. Nothing brings out the nasty in me like one kid tormenting another. I've got zero tolerance.

Tiny moms in Prada heels make me bristle too, but I can usually hold it in.

WordWrangler said...

You make me laugh...even when I shouldn't.

Will you be my new BFF? Oh wait - I'd get in tooooo much trouble. I already get into enough on my own. We'd just pull each other down.

It was a good thought, anyway. Besides, my current BFF (13 years of wedded bliss as of yesterday!) might be a bit peeved since he helped with the procreation process of our 3 little ones and all. Ahhh...such is life... :)


Jacqui said...

wordwrangler, can I be your second-best FF? Come to Ann Arbor and we will see how much trouble we can find...