Lumpy the Turtle and the Golden Spurtle

This week's Thursday News of the Absurd Will Someone Please Write This Book Inspirational Moment (TNoftheAWSPWTBIM) means no offense to lovers of porridge.

From the Golden Spurtle press release:

"Porridge enthusiast, Ian Bishop beat off tough competition to take the title of World Porridge Making Champion 2008 as expert porridge makers from far and wide gathered in the Scottish Highland village of Carrbridge on Sunday to compete for the coveted Golden Spurtle* Trophy."

Apparently, Mr. Bishop, who finally won after 15 years of trying, attributed his victory to his secret ingredient: "the water he uses which comes from a bore hole tapped 100 feet down into an underground river."

River water? Not a magic pot?

Do you think the judges go down the line of porridge bowls tasting and muttering, "too hot" or "too cold" until they find the winner that is "just right?"

Has the contest ever been interrupted by guys in bear suits running through screaming, "Mine! Mine!"? Because that's what I would do. And then I'd get beat up by porridge enthusiasts. And next year's "specialty" category champion would be Porridge Con Guts de Jacqui.

Okay, I know there's a great way to make this a picture book, but I need help.

One idea: Lumpy the Turtle is living a normal turtle life until a porridge enthusiast begins draining Lumpy's home for his "secret ingredient." Curious, Lumpy tries the porridge and falls in love. Now Lumpy devours porridge. More, he makes the best porridge in the world. But the Golden Spurtle competition is only open to humans. How can Lumpy convince everyone his porridge deserves to compete and to win the grand prize, a t-shirt that proudly reads "Porridge: Thicker Than Gruel"?** I want Lisa Campbell Ernst's fabulous Sam Johnson and the Blue Ribbon Quilt. But with a turtle and porridge instead of gender bias and quilting.

Meh. I know you can think of something better. Lumpy need not appear. I just find porridge hilarious. Will someone please write me this book?

* A spurtle is a utensil for stirring porridge. Not what comes out when the water fountain is broken. Or a Spanish turtle.
** Oh, how I would love to spend the rest of the day coming up with advertising slogans for porridge:
"Keep some porridge in your storage."
"Don't forage. Eat porridge!"
"Porridge, because look what comes with curds and whey."
"Featuring Mama Bear's Po-riginal recipe!"